Thoughts
by Crimson Lawliet
Summary: Sasuke tries to make sense of his own thoughts on Naruto. No real pairing, but could be seen as NaruSasu or SasuNaru. Sasuke's POV.


You know, sometimes I wonder and think about where is he, what he might be doing. I ponder it for a quick moment before getting mad at myself and resuming the task at hand.

Usually, the thought of my old team, of my old comrades...it brings me closer to my darkness. It's probably because I want to prove them wrong - to prove you can't shed light in the dark and you can't bring a dead person back to life.

That's how I felt a lot of the time, while thinking of them. I felt dead.

Most of the time, however, I just felt the need to rid myself of any leftover consciousness. I didn't want to feel anything anymore. I wanted to feel numb.

But then I told myself that feeling numb was the easy way out - a way of making a wish and throwing it to the wind.

_I'm not a weak person. I do not take the easy way out._

And then...

_That's not what Naruto would do._

After that tactless, inner commentary, I'd punish myself by bathing in ice cold water, not eating anything for hours, training until I was fatigued, or locking myself up in a room.

There came a time, nevertheless, where this made me feel even more like that stupid ninja, because I knew he'd punish himself, too. I knew him too well for my taste, and I was getting sick of it. I hated it.

I noticed, quite early in my training with Orochimaru, that I was my own worst enemy. Naruto came in second after myself.

But did that make me self-absorbed? The fact that everything had to revolve around me, my wants, my feelings, my opinions, and my problems - Kabuto had said it was the trait of a spoiled brat.

Idiot medic. I hated him, too.

But my mind betrayed me, just like everyone else in the damned world.

_Except Naruto. He never betrayed me._

_**Shut up, you stupid mental-**_

_He never did anything to me. I hurt him. Does that make me weak or strong? Should I just end his suffering?_

_**End your own suffering.**_

When these kinds of thoughts came up, I was usually punishing myself in the locked room.

Three or four times and I'd had enough. One day, as these thoughts crept up again, I destroyed the room in seconds. Then I took a three-hour bath in cold water.

It occured to me that these "punishments" I'd give myself were really self-harming and absolutely terrible for my health. Karin became very worried about me, but I insisted that I was fine.

That team, the new one I had...

...reminded me so much of Team 7.

I hated them sometimes too, for being like the others.

_But no one could be like Naruto._

**...**

Damn thoughts.

I was lucky, though, to have the new team I had. They looked out for my well-being over their own. Those were the types of people I needed around me.

Everything happened too quickly. Naruto never stopped searching for me, that persistent nuasance, and I was reaching that long-awaited goal even quicker then I imagined. It was finally all becoming a reality. Like a dream, but something more realistic, more materialized.

Besides, I hate dreams.

I really do hate a lot of things.

When I killed my older brother, there was, at first, a sense of relief. There was a sense of...accomplishment. I felt tired, yes, of course, but also very awake.

But I didn't feel happy. It was like I knew something was going to make me regret this. It was like I knew that this wasn't what was supposed to have happened. It was as though the whole thing was a disappointment.

I found out why later, when I was told about Itachi's real motives behind killing our entire clan.

Then, at that strange moment in my life, I eventually decided Itachi was a chronic liar - a deceiver, an actor, an amoeba.

Still, that kind of thing seemed to run in our blood.

I don't think I need to explain why this is not a _theory_, but a _fact_.

There was no doubt in what I said having been true. Although, if lying is in my blood, then all of this could be a lie as well.

But I digress.

In any case, I was still being _inconspicuously _followed by a team of _rats_. Those damned people just refused to let me live, to stop coming after me.

Why couldn't they leave me alone? I didn't even _talk _to half of them! Why did they care?

There were times I thought joining with the Akatsuki - now nearly out of members, thanks, in part, to me - was a bad thing. But I needed a goal. I needed a way to reach my goal. They were that stepping stone. I'd use and misuse all of them until I got what I wanted.

_But if I wouldn't care about stepping on them, why didn't I use Naruto?_

_**Because he was weak.**_

_No. I ran away because he was stronger than I was. I needed to be stronger than him._

_**Oh, would you be quiet?**_

"Because we're friends!" Naruto - that's what he told me.

That only made me angrier. Didn't he see that it was for his own damned good? It would be of no use to him to be friends with me.

I tried to make him see that, but he pressed the matter further until he finally agreed that we'd both die if we faced each other.

So I delved further into the darkness. The darkness gave me power.

I felt a lot like Itachi when I was explaining this to him. How power made me feel. It was as if I was Itachi, trying to protect Naruto from this endless hate and blindness.

Naruto and I would be the same in that case, because Itachi tried to protect me.

But he failed.

I would not allow myself to fail in the same way he did. I would cast revenge upon that village and make Naruto hate me, just like Itachi did with me.

If that's what it took to get him off my back already, I'd do it a hundred times over.

Sometimes I stop and think to myself, in this world of destruction, of hate and power and greed, where Naruto is, and what he's doing.

I wish, for a moment, that he weren't in that village, trying to bring me back as a teammate.

But that moment would soon be gone, leaving a trail of smoke in its wake, as I walked further into the halls of darkness.

And then my mind would play tricks on me again.

_How can I be sure there are halls if I'm shrouded in darkness?_

_**Because. Naruto will always be behind you, shining with that stupid light, stupid smirk in place, hands in a thumbs-up sign.**_

_So that how I know?_

_**Yeah. **_

_But if he's following me, wouldn't he be following me into the darkness?_

_**With that idiotic orange suit of his? Not a chance.**_

_What?_

_**The damned thing glows. The darkness won't affect him.**_

Naruto, that thick-headed fool.

For your own good, and for my own, almost non-existant, shred of sanity: DON'T COME LOOKING FOR ME.

_I'll come to you when I'm ready._


End file.
